January 2010

How to Die an Exciting Death

By Ike

Disclaimer: The Winkest Link is not responsible for the emulation of any actions listed below. These directions are to be heeded at your own discretion.

Death is a very touchy subject with most people. They see it as a thing to be feared and pushed away. As a result, they usually die comfortably in a hospital bed surrounded by loved ones. This is generally the preferred method, but to be truly memorable, you need to get creative.

To die in such a way as to be remembered until the end of time, you must be prepared to invest plenty of time, money, energy, and patience. First and foremost, be careful. Don’t drive too fast, don’t annoy government officials, don’t drink alcohol in excess. Remember, it would be really embarrassing to plan the most exciting death of all time and then die by choking on a pretzel.

To start, you need access to wild animals. Bears are your best option. Try to get a Grizzly bear or polar bear. If you can’t, sun bears or black bears will do in a pinch. Make sure that the bear wasn’t raised in a zoo or domesticated in any way, as this would defeat the whole purpose. Keep the bear in a wilderness environment until you arrive at the final stage.

Next, you will need a private jet. It will need a large amount of storage space. Retired military transport aircraft aren’t bad for your purposes, and possibly even attainable. Pilot lessons are preferred, but you really just need to know how to take off and keep the plane level. Make sure to keep the jet well-fueled and ready to go at a moment’s notice.

Finally, you’ll need active nuclear weapons. Look for World War II or early Cold War-era bombs, so that your spectacular death does not unintentionally wipe out all of humanity, leaving nobody to remember your greatness. Keep these bombs or missiles in the cargo bay. Ensure that nothing will be able to set the bombs off prematurely to avoid the need to buy a new airplane, air strip, and neighboring city.

Now that you have all the fundamentals, you must wait for hurricane season. In late August and throughout September, watch for significant hurricanes near the Atlantic Ocean. Don’t waste your time with a hurricane with a wind speed lower than 200 mph (320 km/h). After all this effort, it would be quite awkward when people find out that you died in a sub-par hurricane.

You can spend the downtime wiring your aircraft with an elaborate video system. This is the most efficient way to spread the news of your exploits. Make sure you leave a way to send the video footage to national news stations after your death. Hell, make it world news stations. You only die once, right?

When the right hurricane comes along, it’s time to move. Tranquilize the bear and put it on the plane. Double-check the plane’s fuel level and arm the nuclear weapons. When everything is ready, start the plane and take off.

As the plane comes within a mile of the hurricane, set the autopilot to direct the plane toward the center. Head back to the cargo bay and check the nuclear weapons. Keep a remote detonation device handy. Then release the bear, giving it a heavy dose of adrenaline to jolt it awake if necessary.

Begin fighting the bear, and don’t hold back. The bear will not. Remember, this fight will be broadcast to every news station available. Done right, it will make UFC look like a mild-mannered playground disagreement.

The plane will soon enter the hurricane, shortly after which it will stall and begin to nosedive, likely spinning constantly in the process. The time has come to amaze the world. Activate the detonation device, pausing only to give off some last words that will hopefully include a terrible pun1.

As you wrestle the bear in a battle of life and death, the bombs will erupt in a horrific fury. The strong winds will contain most of the bomb’s energy, causing the entire height of the maelstrom to be filled with fire and capped by an orange-and-black mushroom cloud. (This adds the finishing touches to the towering inferno that serves as a beacon of your demise for hundreds of miles.)

News reports will be flooded with the tale of your events. People for decades to come will remember as the man or woman whose explosive, bear-battling death looked not unlike a giant, flaming ice cream cone. Congratulations, you have just enjoyed the most exciting death in history.

1 “Bomb voyage!”

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Language – The Key That Opens the Door to the World

By Ike

There have been hundreds, perhaps thousands of countries in this world, and tens of thousands of languages. There are those that have become remote or extinct, with names unrecognizable by today’s citizens of the world. However, as languages die, new ones are always there to take their place. This kind of transition is rarely seen elsewhere in history. The only reason behind this phenomenon lies within the importance of language itself. Without language, the cities and civilizations we see today would not exist. Humanity as we know it would not exist.

Without language, there would be no communication. Without communication, there is no artistic or logical expression. Without expression, there would be no governments, no countries. Every human would be trapped in perpetual isolation, with no hope for relief. Fortunately, when language was established, populations began to grow. Order became sustainable instead of transient. People could come together and aid each other. They could discuss ideas, simple at first, but increasingly intricate as the languages themselves grew.

Now, language is a keystone that holds the world together, Instead of countries keeping to their own, every country has the opportunity to expand and be a part of the global community. Language allows people to travel abroad and be accepted, instead of distrusted or considered a burden.

Language is not only significant, it is crucial. In a world where technology advances at an impressive rate, language stops us from being paralyzed with fear of what others might do. Countries do not need to keep an ear to the door, trying as they might to catch a stray thought of what the rest of the world is planning for the future. That door is open. All one needs to do is ask.

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By Wink

I just found out that someone I know is into numerology. I didn’t know her well enough to know that she was born on the 6th, but I do now.

So the number six means a whole lot to her. She sees six’s in all of her daily life events.

I see six’s too, but I was born on the fourth. Is that a bad omen?

Now that I know she is into numerology, I have started to pay more attention to numbers.

My beloved Celtics lost recently, by 8 points.

I have two children born on the 12th. Other key relatives were born on the 3rd and 16th.

My brother was born on the 13th. Friday the 13th.

Jesus was NOT born on the 25th. (I hope that doesn’t shock you.) But what if he was?

My sister was born on the 22nd, but she is left-handed. Does THAT mean anything?

Cripes, it turns out numbers are everywhere!

Today’s temperature was 4 degrees below normal.

I take 72nd street to work.

The word “number” has six letters, just like my numerologist friend would hope!

Some names have many letters (Omgwonna Kikkbouhtti). Some have few (Tom Li).

Barack Obama has 11 letters. Rush Limbaugh has 12! That has GOT to mean something.

Every product on the Burger King menu has a number attached to it. (99 cents is my favorite.)

Look people, you may have good luck, you may have bad luck, but most of what happens to you is what you do to (or for) yourself.

Stop looking for mysterious reasons why something good or bad happened today.

There is no mystery, sh*t happens. Good sh*t. Bad sh*t.

And it will happen the same way whether your mom named you Jenifer or if she named you Jhenniphyrrrr. (And it wouldn’t surprise me in the slightest to find some clever parent had named their child “Jhenniphyrrrr.”)

Numbers mean no more and no less than you want them to mean. They are everywhere, and they are random.

You make your own luck. So go out and make it.

But that is just the kind of thing a Leo would say.

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By Wink

I wanted to title this article “FOX goes Rogue.” Couldn’t do it. Going ‘rogue’ means acting differently than expected. NOTHING could have been more predictable than hiring a shallow right-wing mouthpiece, to compliment all the other shallow right-wing mouthpieces. On the other hand, she is prettier than anyone else on FOX. Oh well…

Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin has signed a deal with Fox News to appear as a contributor on the network.

Now we will all get a chance to see what a ‘regular guy’ she is. We just LOVE regular guys. We want to have a beer with her. “W” can come along too.

Ya know who we hate? Those egg-head ivy-league types who know too much. They are just so show-offy. We hate them. And we don’t trust them. They are always discussing these ‘high-level’ ideas on how to make the world a better place. I don’t understand them about 90% of the time. How can I trust someone I don’t understand?

Also, they ‘deliberate.’ I don’t want deliberation, I want opinions. Fast and easy opinions.

Deliberating is for those who think the world has ‘gray’ areas. There is no ‘gray’. There are two possible opinions: Mine and the wrong one.

Ya know who I DO understand? Sarah Palin and “W”. I know where they are goin’, and what they are doin’ and thinkin’. How do I know? Cuz they just tell me. They tell me they care about America, and I believe them. Average people like me and Sarah love our country. !

I DON’T believe them egg-heads care about America. I just don’t trust ‘em. They act like they don’t even hate foreign countries. They always want to ‘cooperate’ with them and ‘negotiate’ with them. What kind of words are those, ‘cooperate’ and ‘negotiate’? Five-dollar words, that’s what.

C’mon, the only thing you do with foreign countries is scare them! None of this pansy ‘treaty’ crap. History tells you the only thing those foreigners respect is the threat of bein’ blowed-up.

Ya know who ‘gets’ this? Sarah Palin and “W”, that’s who. And pretty much everybody else FOX has ever hired to be a commentator. They all get it.

I am an average guy. I get it too.

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By Wink

According to the political action group Gay and Lesbian Victory Fund there are at least 445 openly gay and lesbian people holding elective office in the United States. I have no idea if this is true.

I never trust the statistics provided by any political action committee.

With apologies to Samuel Clemens, the biggest liars are (from least to worst)…

  • Liars
  • Damned Liars
  • Statistics
  • Statistics provided by political action committees.

But I digress.

Clearly, Barney Frank is not the only openly gay elected official. Whether there are 45, or 445, or 4045, a change is in the air.

Yeah, we could guess that a few of the gay politicians are in and around the San Francisco area.

For Pete’s sake though, the mayor of Houston is Gay? Houston. The one in Texas.

Day by day it becomes more “is my trash being picked up?” than anything else.

If a gay politician is a lousy mayor or governor, vote them out of office! But if they are good, who cares who their boyfriend or girlfriend is?

It wasn’t very long ago that people questioned whether a “black quarterback” could succeed in the NFL. (C’mon, you MUST be old enough to remember this.)

Same deal. If the QB stinks, feel free to boo him. If the mayor/governor stinks, vote them out.

Is my trash being picked up?

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