By Ike

Do you like games? I like games. Let’s play a game.

We’re going to play “Guess the Fake.” I’m going to post a few headlines and a clip from each, and you get to guess which one is the fake headline. Only one of the following stories is a fake report. Really.

The answer is at the bottom.

Puppy Thrown at German Biker Gang

“What motivated him to throw a puppy at the Hell’s Angels is currently unclear,” a police spokesman said.

Inspectors Shut Down Girl’s Lemonade Stand

“When you go to a public event and set up shop, you’re suddenly engaging in commerce,” he said. “The fact that you’re small-scale I don’t think is relevant.”

Urinater Acquitted for Not Offending

”The court of appeal found then, just as we have, that the intent to offend, or offensiveness in and of itself, was lacking,” District Judge Annika Johansson said.

Dubai Debt Crisis Halts Building of World’s Largest Indoor Mountain Range

The culmination of a decade’s worth of ambitious and expensive building projects, Dubai’s estimated $100 billion debt officially brought work on the artificial mountain range to a stop on Tuesday.

Okay, maybe this isn’t that tough. Still, it’s pretty interesting, and as Mark Twain (I believe) once said, “Truth is stranger than fiction.”

Links to the articles can be found below, in the order shown above.

True – BBC

True – CBS News

True – United Press International

False – The Onion

By Ike

Disclaimer: The Winkest Link is not responsible for the emulation of any actions listed below. These directions are to be heeded at your own discretion.

Death is a very touchy subject with most people. They see it as a thing to be feared and pushed away. As a result, they usually die comfortably in a hospital bed surrounded by loved ones. This is generally the preferred method, but to be truly memorable, you need to get creative.

To die in such a way as to be remembered until the end of time, you must be prepared to invest plenty of time, money, energy, and patience. First and foremost, be careful. Don’t drive too fast, don’t annoy government officials, don’t drink alcohol in excess. Remember, it would be really embarrassing to plan the most exciting death of all time and then die by choking on a pretzel.

To start, you need access to wild animals. Bears are your best option. Try to get a Grizzly bear or polar bear. If you can’t, sun bears or black bears will do in a pinch. Make sure that the bear wasn’t raised in a zoo or domesticated in any way, as this would defeat the whole purpose. Keep the bear in a wilderness environment until you arrive at the final stage.

Next, you will need a private jet. It will need a large amount of storage space. Retired military transport aircraft aren’t bad for your purposes, and possibly even attainable. Pilot lessons are preferred, but you really just need to know how to take off and keep the plane level. Make sure to keep the jet well-fueled and ready to go at a moment’s notice.

Finally, you’ll need active nuclear weapons. Look for World War II or early Cold War-era bombs, so that your spectacular death does not unintentionally wipe out all of humanity, leaving nobody to remember your greatness. Keep these bombs or missiles in the cargo bay. Ensure that nothing will be able to set the bombs off prematurely to avoid the need to buy a new airplane, air strip, and neighboring city.

Now that you have all the fundamentals, you must wait for hurricane season. In late August and throughout September, watch for significant hurricanes near the Atlantic Ocean. Don’t waste your time with a hurricane with a wind speed lower than 200 mph (320 km/h). After all this effort, it would be quite awkward when people find out that you died in a sub-par hurricane.

You can spend the downtime wiring your aircraft with an elaborate video system. This is the most efficient way to spread the news of your exploits. Make sure you leave a way to send the video footage to national news stations after your death. Hell, make it world news stations. You only die once, right?

When the right hurricane comes along, it’s time to move. Tranquilize the bear and put it on the plane. Double-check the plane’s fuel level and arm the nuclear weapons. When everything is ready, start the plane and take off.

As the plane comes within a mile of the hurricane, set the autopilot to direct the plane toward the center. Head back to the cargo bay and check the nuclear weapons. Keep a remote detonation device handy. Then release the bear, giving it a heavy dose of adrenaline to jolt it awake if necessary.

Begin fighting the bear, and don’t hold back. The bear will not. Remember, this fight will be broadcast to every news station available. Done right, it will make UFC look like a mild-mannered playground disagreement.

The plane will soon enter the hurricane, shortly after which it will stall and begin to nosedive, likely spinning constantly in the process. The time has come to amaze the world. Activate the detonation device, pausing only to give off some last words that will hopefully include a terrible pun¹.

As you wrestle the bear in a battle of life and death, the bombs will erupt in a horrific fury. The strong winds will contain most of the bomb’s energy, causing the entire height of the maelstrom to be filled with fire and capped by an orange-and-black mushroom cloud. (This adds the finishing touches to the towering inferno that serves as a beacon of your demise for hundreds of miles.)

News reports will be flooded with the tale of your events. People for decades to come will remember as the man or woman whose explosive, bear-battling death looked not unlike a giant, flaming ice cream cone. Congratulations, you have just enjoyed the most exciting death in history.

¹ “Bomb voyage!”

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By Ike

There have been hundreds, perhaps thousands of countries in this world, and tens of thousands of languages. There are those that have become remote or extinct, with names unrecognizable by today’s citizens of the world. However, as languages die, new ones are always there to take their place. This kind of transition is rarely seen elsewhere in history. The only reason behind this phenomenon lies within the importance of language itself. Without language, the cities and civilizations we see today would not exist. Humanity as we know it would not exist.

Without language, there would be no communication. Without communication, there is no artistic or logical expression. Without expression, there would be no governments, no countries. Every human would be trapped in perpetual isolation, with no hope for relief. Fortunately, when language was established, populations began to grow. Order became sustainable instead of transient. People could come together and aid each other. They could discuss ideas, simple at first, but increasingly intricate as the languages themselves grew.

Now, language is a keystone that holds the world together, Instead of countries keeping to their own, every country has the opportunity to expand and be a part of the global community. Language allows people to travel abroad and be accepted, instead of distrusted or considered a burden.

Language is not only significant, it is crucial. In a world where technology advances at an impressive rate, language stops us from being paralyzed with fear of what others might do. Countries do not need to keep an ear to the door, trying as they might to catch a stray thought of what the rest of the world is planning for the future. That door is open. All one needs to do is ask.

“The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.” – Anonymous

“Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.” – Anonymous

“Nature abhors a tattletale.” - Daimyo Kubota

“Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.” - Anonymous

“Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don’t make sense. Refrigerator.” – Anonymous

“Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.” - Mark Twain

Disclaimer: These are not our quotes. For the most part, we don’t know who said them. We take no responsibility over these quotes, and by reading this disclaimer you agree not to sue us.

I’m sure you remember my excellent Thanksgiving poem last year. Well, this year I have created a Halloween poem that is only a tiny bit late. Enjoy, with a heartfelt (and late) Happy Halloween from those of us at The Winkest Link.

There once was an actor named Fred.
A tricky stunt took off his head.
The audience roared,
As his head soared,
For they did not believe he was dead.

The director Kurt was alarmed.
A stuntman of his had been harmed!
With the utmost haste,
And most paltry taste,
Fred was buried where once men had farmed.

Fred’s head awoke with a start.
His head and his neck were apart!
He somehow must,
Though covered in dust,
Reclaim his position in art!

Fred’s body clawed up quite unhurt,
And found his own head in the dirt,
He dusted off,
And with a small cough,
Set off to go speak with Kurt.

Alone with his failed work of art,
Kurt soon began to take heart.
Stepping in through Kurt’s door,
Fred said with a roar,
“Kurt, I demand back my part!”

There once was a play called “Undead.”
The leading actor had no head.
The audience cheered,
And Kurt was revered,
And centered was a happy Fred.

There is a local gentleman, whom I know very well, who is totally ticked off, and is now organizing people to rally against “socialized health care.”

Do you know the punch line to this? C’mon, you know where I am going, right?

He has both Medicare and Medicaid.

Right, BOTH are government health insurance programs. Socialized medicine.

We are swimming in a tidal wave of hypocrisy.

Somehow HIS government funded health insurance is WAAAAAAYYYYYY different from anybody else’s government funded health insurance.

Maybe this isn’t hypocrisy, maybe this is just ignorance. Nah, it’s hypocrisy.

Whatever it is, it is not exceptional, it appears to be the rule.

The first entry in the conservative playbook is: “Paint all things ‘government’ as bad.”

“We want the government OUT of all aspects of our lives (except when we need them to outlaw gays and abortion).”

Of course to conservatives there is bad, and there is BAD, and there is BAAAAADDDDD.

1. Government waste is ‘bad.’
2. Any congressman or senator who is a Democrat is ‘BAD.”
3. Government healthcare is ‘BAAAAADDDDD.’

…but don’t you DARE touch my Medicare or Medicaid.
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If you have health insurance, you may not have any sense of urgency toward the ‘need’ for national health insurance. What is the big rush?  Why don’t we take our time and ‘get it right.’

If you have insurance, you probably have an annual maximum of $5000 or $10,000 out of your pocket (not counting premiums of course). You can afford that hit, right?

What about that good-for-nothing bum who got laid off two months ago and “can’t afford” the $1250 per month health insurance premium that his former employer generously offered him.

From 2000 to 2006 inflation rose 18% and wages rose 20%. Insurance premiums?  They rose 87% during that same time. Do you wonder why your deductible, coinsurance, copays and premiums keep skyrocketing? Do you think your premiums will ‘level out’ any day now?

If you think sticking your head in the sand will solve this, good for you, but don’t stand in the way of those who need this.

I am a free market advocate, but free market does not, and will not, solve all ills. Free market does not police our towns, put out fires or fix potholes. Free market does not defend the United States. Government does all that.

There are 47 million people in America who can tell you that ‘free market’ does not protect them from health-related financial ruin. Only government can do that. Free markets work well for commodities. There is legitimate competition for your burger dollars, or for cars.

Health care is not a commodity. We need to stop treating it like it is.

This may not come as a shock to anyone, at all, anywhere, but Rush Limbaugh recently demanded the former Secretary of State Colin Powell join the Democratic Party because he (Powell) did not vote for the same person that Limbaugh did. Rush reiterated that Powell’s endorsement of then-Senator Obama was based entirely on race (something Rush would never do, of course, because he is a very tolerant, open-minded individual).

To those who believe that Colin Powell is a traitor for having endorsed Obama, remember this: Democrats need not only vote for Democrats, Republicans need not only vote for Republicans, Independents need not only vote for Independents.

Sometimes you have to vote for the best candidate, and if Mr. Powell were white, I do not think his vote would have been any different.

As for Mr. Powell joining the Democratic Party, I would not be opposed to it, as I am a Democrat and have respected Colin Powell for years (his address to the U.N. notwithstanding). However, I would prefer someone as sensible as he is remain in the Republican Party. Right now they need leaders (in stature, not position) like him who do not condone blind hatred for others and instead will lead them out of the current crisis they are in.

After all, I believe a two-party system is critical to the survival of this nation, lest we find ourselves in the midst of a situation not unlike Iraq’s, where the minority party will never hold power due to fewer numbers.

First, she said Obama shouldn’t be working on a basketball bracket while at work. Unless she spends every waking moment at work, I don’t think she should fault anyone else for doing something they enjoy during their downtime.

Second, she says it is irresponsible to call people “sweetie” in the workplace. I find this interesting because the president has yet to say “sweetie” in the White House (with the possible exception of his wife). As I recall, the last recorded person he called “sweetie” was a reporter who was trying to interview him In early May, 2008.

Third, she says that anybody who had made jokes about the Special Olympics would be fired in any other situation. I disagree. Most, though not all, bosses would ignore it altogether, or even laugh themselves. The Special Olympics has reached a point in American society, for better or worse, where it is respected enough that most people feel it is safe to make a joke. After all, nearly everyone would agree that Congress is an important and irreplaceable body of the U.S. government, but that won’t stop people from poking fun at it.

It does not take tools to torture. None of the prisoners are thankful they aren’t being tortured when the conditions currently forced upon them are brought to mind. Some people at Guantanamo Bay have done nothing wrong, but even those that have done wrong should not be subjected to such degrading and, in some cases, painful treatment without so much as evidence of their guilt. After all, they would only be at Guantanamo if there was no evidence against them.