The Winkest Link

How to Die an Exciting Death

By Ike

Disclaimer: The Winkest Link is not responsible for the emulation of any actions listed below. These directions are to be heeded at your own discretion.

Death is a very touchy subject with most people. They see it as a thing to be feared and pushed away. As a result, they usually die comfortably in a hospital bed surrounded by loved ones. This is generally the preferred method, but to be truly memorable, you need to get creative.

To die in such a way as to be remembered until the end of time, you must be prepared to invest plenty of time, money, energy, and patience. First and foremost, be careful. Don’t drive too fast, don’t annoy government officials, don’t drink alcohol in excess. Remember, it would be really embarrassing to plan the most exciting death of all time and then die by choking on a pretzel.

To start, you need access to wild animals. Bears are your best option. Try to get a Grizzly bear or polar bear. If you can’t, sun bears or black bears will do in a pinch. Make sure that the bear wasn’t raised in a zoo or domesticated in any way, as this would defeat the whole purpose. Keep the bear in a wilderness environment until you arrive at the final stage.

Next, you will need a private jet. It will need a large amount of storage space. Retired military transport aircraft aren’t bad for your purposes, and possibly even attainable. Pilot lessons are preferred, but you really just need to know how to take off and keep the plane level. Make sure to keep the jet well-fueled and ready to go at a moment’s notice.

Finally, you’ll need active nuclear weapons. Look for World War II or early Cold War-era bombs, so that your spectacular death does not unintentionally wipe out all of humanity, leaving nobody to remember your greatness. Keep these bombs or missiles in the cargo bay. Ensure that nothing will be able to set the bombs off prematurely to avoid the need to buy a new airplane, air strip, and neighboring city.

Now that you have all the fundamentals, you must wait for hurricane season. In late August and throughout September, watch for significant hurricanes near the Atlantic Ocean. Don’t waste your time with a hurricane with a wind speed lower than 200 mph (320 km/h). After all this effort, it would be quite awkward when people find out that you died in a sub-par hurricane.

You can spend the downtime wiring your aircraft with an elaborate video system. This is the most efficient way to spread the news of your exploits. Make sure you leave a way to send the video footage to national news stations after your death. Hell, make it world news stations. You only die once, right?

When the right hurricane comes along, it’s time to move. Tranquilize the bear and put it on the plane. Double-check the plane’s fuel level and arm the nuclear weapons. When everything is ready, start the plane and take off.

As the plane comes within a mile of the hurricane, set the autopilot to direct the plane toward the center. Head back to the cargo bay and check the nuclear weapons. Keep a remote detonation device handy. Then release the bear, giving it a heavy dose of adrenaline to jolt it awake if necessary.

Begin fighting the bear, and don’t hold back. The bear will not. Remember, this fight will be broadcast to every news station available. Done right, it will make UFC look like a mild-mannered playground disagreement.

The plane will soon enter the hurricane, shortly after which it will stall and begin to nosedive, likely spinning constantly in the process. The time has come to amaze the world. Activate the detonation device, pausing only to give off some last words that will hopefully include a terrible pun¹.

As you wrestle the bear in a battle of life and death, the bombs will erupt in a horrific fury. The strong winds will contain most of the bomb’s energy, causing the entire height of the maelstrom to be filled with fire and capped by an orange-and-black mushroom cloud. (This adds the finishing touches to the towering inferno that serves as a beacon of your demise for hundreds of miles.)

News reports will be flooded with the tale of your events. People for decades to come will remember as the man or woman whose explosive, bear-battling death looked not unlike a giant, flaming ice cream cone. Congratulations, you have just enjoyed the most exciting death in history.

¹ “Bomb voyage!”

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